Insightful

The post I made last night gave me even more insight into things at present. I didn't realize fully until this morning, having thought about my last post through the night, that I am truly okay with myself. When my ex-husband had first left I thought for sure I wasn't going to be able to make it on my own. There were many self doubting thoughts, some including: How do I make it on my own. How do I raise these children on my own. If he didn't want me, what makes me think another man would. No one would want all this responsibility, I'll always be alone.

Before the ink was even dry on the paperwork, I was in another relationship. It wasn't a physical one, but it was one I held very dear, and would have been with him still today, had things not ended. That is how I am. Committed. I put all of myself into a relationship and I wear my heart on my sleeve, ready to give my heart, my mind and my soul to someone who will just love me in return. Over the years, I realized that I needed the time that was forced upon me by life's deeming (often meddling) fingers. And that time gave me insight into me. Who I am. Who I am with Me.

And I'm still single, and my fears about men not wanting to be with a single mom was relevant and present. But that is okay. I made myself realize that it would take someone very special to be with me and the life I come with. And it's a good life. It's not without its problems, come on even Eden had it's problems too. But such wonderful people in this family, all wanting a friend, ready to accept the right person in our fold. And that feels pretty damn good, to know that it isn't something wrong with me. If someone doesn't want to take the time to get to know me, and to know them, to give something a chance, they weren't worth the time to begin with.

I will probably always struggle with self esteem. People who are 100% okay with themselves and just love themselves to death are either on some really strong Lithium, or just so conceited that they outta just marry themselves and live a happy happy joy joy life looking in the mirror. I am who I am. And in any relationship it shouldn't be what you can change about someone, but how you can enhance their life, and them enhance your own, sharing a journey together and truly embracing the learning experience that all that entails.

I'm not getting any younger, or thinner, and that is that. It doesn't mean my soul and my heart are any less of worth. Today is much brighter then last night, finding the silver lining in there somewhere, and being grateful to find a silver lining at that.

I read someone's journal recently and they were discussing the fear of people not liking what they get for Christmas, being worried that it wouldn't be enough, or good enough. I think so many people need to realize that Christmas isn't about the quality or quantity, but the reason you choose to give a gift at all. It's from the heart. Don't do it if you're heart isn't in it. Have fun. Listen to the little whisper inside of you that says enjoy the season, enjoy giving, even if it is something small and inconsequencial. It'll mean the world to the person receiving it, and if it's not good enough, it's on their greedy backs and not your own.

Let Your light shine through.