the one lost...

I know I haven't really posted anything of a personal nature in a very long time. I have had a few posts come across my mind, just never really let them bloom into something worth much of worth in order to post onto here, I guess.

As most know, I've been really sick lately, pneumonia doesn't seem to want to let go of me. Perhaps it is a sullen outlook, immunity does need a certain amount of will in order to be effective (or so they say).

Things have been lonely, and yet I find a certain comfort in being away from people. A rather double edged sword, one supposes. I haven't worked on a good C graphic in ages, and as for writing...that has been rather uneventful as well.

I have had so many ideas, most of which fizzle into oblivion and some get written down, though not much comes after that. I miss writing. I miss it with every fiber of my being. And yet, the thought of sitting down and actually putting thought to pen is exhausting. A walking paradox to say the least in more then one avenue of my life.

It is increasingly difficult to get the Christmas spirit, I find it more and more difficult every year. I grew up without Christmas, and when I celebrated my first one at the age of 18, I was like a kid in a candy store. When I was a little girl and we'd be in a store and I'd see lit up trees, Mom said she'd find me staring at them. I loved the lights. I loved the glitter. I loved the magic. I was drawn to it, to the music, to the happiness, to the spirit of the season. I was drawn to it all like the proverbial moth to the flame.

I was married to a bah-humbug (that is the least of the sourness of the man, but anywho), he had celebrated Christmas his whole life and it just wasn't his thing. I was jubilant, couldn't seem to contain the excitement, the glitter within, the warmth and happiness, the freedom and pure elation from celebrating a Holiday where I could give and give and give.

Even now I find no pleasure in getting anything really, I like getting presents, but I would rather not get any and I'd be okay. I get a pure high from giving. And no, not because it makes me look good, but because I am addicted to the expressions of joy and surprise in the faces of those I love, when they open a package from me and it's something that was chosen from my heart, because I love them. I do not just give at holidays, I do little things through out the whole year. It isn't always extravagant materially, but it is from the heart and because I love that person and there is always some small token that I give to show them.

For example...from the time I was young, I would draw a smiley face and a "Hi" next to it on all my mom's grocery lists. Sometimes I'd write a little smiley and a "Hi" note and slip it into my dad's lunch pail, knowing he'd find it when he would be up on his Loader at work, during lunch time. I'd pick flowers on the way home from school for Mom. Ugly flowering weeds, and mom would get this huge smile and I'd walk on air, just from her smile. Looking back, they were just ugly weeds, but she always made me feel good, because she knew that to me, they were flowers, not weeds. I once got in big trouble because I picked really pretty, full size flowers.... oops..someone's garden was robbed. *laffs* But mom was really decent about the whole affair, she told me that she much preferred the little flowers anyway. I grew up, and every now and then I still get her bouquets, the right way. *chuckles*

I send her a little card in the snail mail every now and then... isn't it fun to get a note unexpectedly in the mail? Especially when some days the highlight of the day is what is delivered in the postal mail. It doesn't cost much, but I can always just imagine the look on mom or dad's face when they check the mail and see an envelope from me. Surprise, I was thinking about you... that is what the thought is, that is conveyed, from me to them, and not a voiced word need be said, or that envelope even opened.

Over the years, through my marriage, Christmas got darker and darker. I could feel the light in me dying a piece at a time. The child within me, fading away. Ex-husband didn't like to decorate, would always be cranky, "half ass" help, impatient...etc. Most of the time, I decorated alone, and each year the struggle became more and more apparent, to even want to do anything. Having the kids helped, because I was able to glean from them through their expressions when they'd see everything I had done. I would cling to their joy.

By a stroke of irony, I was up at the hospital where the ex-husband worked (shortly before our marriage was in the throes of the deathbed), and it was in the Christmas season. The whole office was decorated. It looked charming and while not extravagant, you could tell someone had really put some thought into it and really enjoyed doing the task. I made comment about it, smiling at the head nurse and saying how lovely everything looked, how it was so much better that year then previous years, and that I bet the patients really liked it. She gave me a dazzling smile and informed me that my husband had been wonderful, he had brought many of the decorations, and used what he brought along with some donations from others, and he hummed Christmas carols and hung decorations, laughed and had a really good time, how the entire theme and set up was his idea, and how much everyone enjoyed watching him have a high old time decorating their little office.

I felt like someone had come up and run me over with a Mac truck. I think in some way...that was exactly what happened. A Mac truck went through my soul and left a gaping hole where once a little girl who loved Christmas lived. My husband, who had destroyed Christmas light sets, because angrily he had gotten on the roof after I begged him to hang them for the children, (I have a fear of heights), and he ruined numerous light sets by not being careful. After nearly a decade of his grouchily aiding to set up a Christmas tree, he had joyfully decorated the doctor's office.

After he left, I thought....Christmas can be fun again! And the first Christmas after he left, it was! The absolute peace, and free feeling, it was amazing! Even though the ex was causing the kids pain by having no contact with them for 8 months, with the exception of two phone calls filled with lying promises, we had a wonderful time! The next few years were the same, and then...tragedy hit our family. Ever since, we have struggled, and each year grows increasingly harder.

I still long for someone to share my life with, to share the lives of the wonderful people with whom are my family. I dream of "him" hanging the lights on the house, and not out of obligation but want, of going Christmas shopping and holding hands, happily picking out the gifts for our loved ones, kissing under the mistletoe...

I used to refuse to believe that it only exists in the movies. I long for someone I can write little notes to, and slip in his lunch pail, just like I did for Dad, or in his coat pocket that he'll find at some point during his day. Someone to look forward to seeing at the end of the long day, to watch the kids faces when he comes in, happy to be home. A ready made family...that is what we are. I guess after 6+ years, I haven't given up hope, even if I profess that I have. *wry chuckle*

I really am grateful for the family I have. I would not ever say I am not. I do not want to leave that impression here tonight. For I love my family and would give anything for them, would do anything asked of me, for them. That is why I struggle and strive to keep what little Christmas spirit is left within me. That is why I build the walls so carefully around me, and try to never voice the loneliness, or sadness. It is why I try to remember that the past is over, and the future is ahead, that I am free to celebrate Christmas and not have the oppression of another hanging over me.

I sometimes wonder, of the child who got lost somewhere along the way...

Turkey Day Humor

Things you can only say on Thanksgiving

01. Talk about huge breasts!

02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside
moist.

03. It's Cool Whip time!

04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

05. That's one terrific spread!

06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

07. Are you ready for seconds yet?

08. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat
it?

09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all
these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, and may you have a wonderful day with family and/or friends.

The Nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun. The nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring through the rear view mirror.
The nun asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

The nun answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

The nun responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun," why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

The Shortest Fairy Tale Ever Written

Once upon a time a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?"


The guy said "No!"



And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, and farted whenever she wanted.



THE END

Christmas Card List

I will be doing my annual mailing of Christmas cards soon. If you would like to be included in my list, please e-mail me your mailing address. And no, I am not going to sell it to a third party so that you'll get lots of junk mail. But don't tempt me. *chuckles and is kidding* If you do not have my e-mail address, leave me a little note here and I'll mail you. Due to spammers, I have become relunctant to post my e-mail address. I don't care if horny women want me, how many vacations I've won, or if I could get a University Diploma in six months. And I especially do not need any Viagra. Them horny women must have ratted on me!

Okay. So ifn you would like to get a Christmas card from me, then please send me your addy.